I slept very early yesterday, at 8 pm-ish, woke up at 1 and not be able to go back. It's 2:29 am as I decide to write this post. How have you been? I hope your November went great so far.

It's been long since my thoughts would consumed me, but ever since I moved out, once they do, they sink me. Tonight I woke up, thinking that at this very time, I don't have nobody to text or to ring and have some midnight talk about whatever. It usually helps me to get back to sleep. I've just been thinking, mostly, that I'm changing. The way I talk, my vocabulary, the way I think, the way I eat, everything's just not the same as... say four months ago. I know that (perhaps) I'm still adjusting with the new place, new people, et cetera. That I'm only eighteen and that I still have plenty of more things to be focused on but these changes. That I'll always be changing whether I like it or not, for the sake of my being. And, finally, that change is inevitable. 

Why can't things just stay the way they are?

What if I like my life just the way it was..., four months ago? For I was at the happiest, most content phase in my life for as far as I could possibly remember. I was with my family, surrounded with my best friends, where everybody around me wouldn't see through me and I wasn't invisible to them. It all lasted in a blink of an eye, and... boom. Everybody moved out and we're on our own. No more impromptu visit, no more actual deep heart to heart talk where I could bare my emotions, no more speaking up the feelings straight-forwardly.  It took me months to open up to the people that I trust, but the circumstances changed. It's all different now, especially since we have distance between us--me and my best friends. We have different activities, different focus, different schedule, even different timezone sometimes. I'm making sure that separation is not equal to drifting apart.

But the reason I moved out, in the first place, is to find myself. To sail and bloom away.

Everybody around me would tell me to relax and enjoy the moment. And soon, there will be time for me to finally go home and reunite with what I have left. Well, I'm not saying that I can't or I'm not enjoying the moment. I do. Or at least I try to. I'm totally aware that some moments are meant to be experienced only here. I even try to enjoy the whole process but it feels, without a doubt, difficult.

If it's not my time to blossom, then I won't bloom. But I'm getting there.

I don't even know what's the point of writing this. But writing this was the very first thing that came to my mind when I knew I couldn't go back sleeping. I just really, really hope that everybody's doing fine out there. Even if you're not as fine, know that you're not alone and everybody has something to fight. All the bad days, the distance, the uncertainty. Anything. Mine is change. Well, I'm not fighting the change, I'm just fighting to get used to it and to make sure that I'm not only changing but also... blooming. It takes a loooong time to adjust and a hell lot of guts to adapt. I'm getting there.

keep the faith,

Sarita ayas




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