9:47 in the evening, I was supposed to be studying for tomorrow's exams, yet here I am. Caught up with infinite thoughts about infinite things. It's cray-crazy. This evening really got me thinking that craps do exist. They really do, in spite of how you'd consider them as.

First thing first, I'm not a believer of karma. But I do believe in punishment. That every person has got to 'pay' for what they had done in the past. The good deeds receive good things, and the bad receive what they deserve. I'm feeling low, even lower than the apple-bottom jeans. No, I'm nowhere near trying to be funny right now. I wish I knew where did I go wrong and what have I done to make me deserve all of this crappy feelings.

A couple of days ago, inbetween lunch with my mother, I asked her why and how could I fall for a person whom I couldn't have. And her answer was simple, "It's because he was never meant to stay in your life. He's a lesson for you to learn. Or because it's just your feeling. You know, all the things that you thought and you feel like you needed, but you actually didn't."

How in the world am I supposed to know if I need that one person? Enlighten me, s'il vous plait.

Now doesn't that make this thing called love as something sort of a choice? That you get to choose what to love and who you love, and you have zero power on controlling what and who loves you. To you, it's always been him. But it's him that came and went. Then, he'd come again and he'd go again. I never know will he ever come not to depart once more.

It's getting clearer to me that the whole concept is a matter of decision. I mean, look, you can impress someone with e-ve-ry-thing that you've got and he still wouldn't get what the hell your point is. Or, he could love you so hard that his chest begins to burst out. And within a second, the way he thinks about you will never be the same again. That every minute he spent on you was nothing but a waste of time. He brings the best out of you only to tear you apart. Funny how quickly a table could turn, no? And one thing that I learned from this, is that you have your whole authority to choose, but you are still expected to face the fact that you may not be chosen back.

And I'm not ever going to force things to happen anymore.

Sarita Ayas